Momentary Lapse

At Aikido tonight, I did a great job. I felt like I had a decent handle on one of the three-part moves and did it better than some of the students who'd been practicing for years. The head sensei came over and praised me, which was quite an honor.

One of the things I love about Aikido is that if forces me to be in the moment. I can't think about anything else other than the person in front of me and the way I'm going to move my body. Everything else in my life sort of fades away.

I'm told this is what meditation is like, but I have yet to be able to effectively meditate. One of two things happen: 1) My mind is so busy, and I keep wondering how long it's been since I started meditating that session. I try to focus on my breathing or my heartbeat or just notice how my thoughts are going. But I don't seem to stop watching the watcher watching the watcher, and then I get frustrated and stressed out and am not comfortable and want to fidget or scratch my nose or open my eyes or... 2) I'm so relaxed that I just fall asleep.

One of the goals of meditation is to be present in the moment, where the past and future are shown as the illusions they are. Aikido achieves this for me. My mind doesn't wander. I sure don't fall asleep. I am only in the "here" and "now."

Then I come home and think about how Randy and I have had tension for the last two days; how I'm having my first colonoscopy in about 36 hours and can't eat real food tomorrow all day to clean out my colon for the occasion; how my mom and aunt are coming to visit in 5 days, and I'm not done with all the things I need to accomplish before they arrive; how the plane tickets to SE Asia I wanted to purchase went up in price more than $700 over the last few weeks; how I'm going to Korea for three days in April and don't know a thing about the country or even how to say "hello" or "please" or "thank you" in Korean; how I'm nervous to return to America and the decisions I must face there; how I'm not feeling ready to leave Japan yet; how all of this is possibly the cause of my abdominal pain...

And then I return to that place in the dojo where I am reviewing a particular move. I'm grateful to have found something that keeps me in my place.

I hope that everyone finds theirs, whatever it may be.

Forceful Harmony

It's no mistake that the Chinese word for "harmony" and for "Japan" are both pronounced "wa." Disturbing the peace here is an unspoken no-no. I have seen many mothers doing their best to hush up their kids in public without actually telling them to do so. Explicitly telling them is considered to disturb the peace as well. I've never seen "going with the flow" practiced as such an art form until I came here.

I've been given many theories as to why this is:

1) If you stood out in old times, you ended up dead. If you made a ruckus, you were a "trouble-maker" and would be targeted by the emperor's men or samurai or whoever happened to be in control at the time.

2) "A unified Japan is a strong Japan," so each person must do what it takes to ensure the strength of the nation by maintaining the unity.

3) Unless you were the emperor, there was always someone around who was more important than you. By doing anything that brought attention to you, it was saying that your existence was paramount and worthy of focus.

Regardless of the reasons, causing a scene or doing anything that brings attention to yourself is so frowned upon, it feels almost illegal.

My most recent experience with this is that I have two ladies who have taken lessons together for years. One of them advanced faster than the other, so she approached me about taking private lessons on the side, claiming she wanted more practice. She didn't tell the other student and slowly began canceling from time to time on their joint lessons. The other student called me tonight to tell me that she wants to take private lessons, so that she can have time to focus on special topics of interest to her.

They both want to be apart, but neither wants to disturb the other by having a discussion about that. So they are continuing to go through the motions of group lessons, even though they are each "secretly" having private lessons with me on the side and are each dissatisfied with the group lessons.

So now it's up to me to end the awkward, tense lessons with them together. They won't do it. And it occurs to me that I can't end them by talking about the real reasons. That would make them both REALLY uncomfortable and a little resentful toward me. I will have to make some excuse for us to stop meeting on that day at that time, and even though it won't be the truth, it will be perfectly acceptable. In fact, it will be preferable to the truth. They will each know it isn't the truth, but then they can just fade off into private lessons without ever discussing it or seeing each other again.

The twisted part of this is that the more gentle and vaguely elaborate my reasoning is for ending the group lessons, the more respect I will gain from each of them for my skills in this arena.

Wish me luck!

Housewarming Snowstorm

I recently recovered from a cold. I know exactly how I caught it too.

Naomi (in the photo above) was a student at the school I worked at last year. She has since invited me to many things like dinner parties and festival celebrations. Recently, she invited me to her coworker's housewarming party. Mamiko (the coworker) and her husband Julian (from England) recently bought a house here. We had a great night, and I got to meet many new people.

While I was there, it started to snow...HARD, and I couldn't get home by train. At the end of the party, Julian and a few of us went to a bar, and we ended up walking back in the snow for about two hours! It was fun to make snowballs, eat some clean snow, and just see the soft beauty of the city.

But of course that was the night I forgot my scarf and hat and gloves when I ran out the door to meet Naomi. I'm sure that didn't help my health any... By the time I took a cab back to my bike, it was covered in snow, and so was the road. On the way home, I wiped out, going around a corner (but luckily had just enough beer in me to not really feel the full impact)! Photos of the party and snow are HERE.

I'm always glad to experience snow and its gentle beauty and crisp air, but I'm just as glad when it all starts to melt and spring comes along. It's been a colder year than usual here (or so they tell me), with many days under 20 degrees and about 15 days of snow, as opposed to the usual 5 or 6 they have.

Today broke 50 degrees, and I'm happy to say that spring is on it's way...

Sayonara Bec & Dave!

There were many casualties of Nova's collapse (the school I worked for). One of the saddest to me is that many of my friends couldn't afford to stay here any more. I luckily got through it by the skin of my teeth due to unemployment and Randy's generosity.

Two of my friends from Australia, Bec and Dave, were the most recent to leave. They had planned on moving to Thailand for a while anyway, and after things got messy here, they figured they might as well go earlier than planned.

They were the type of people that I instantly gravitated toward and know that we will stay in touch for years to come (but not in that cheesy "best friends forever" way!). We had an authentic connection, able to talk about life, philosophy, music, movies, relationships, or just sit and not have to talk. We had many late nights, fun experiences, and moments of clarity.

I miss them. I will see them when I go to Thailand, hopefully they will visit the U.S., and eventually I will see them in Australia.

Here are some photos of their farewell karaoke night (that Dave was unfortunately sick and mostly absent for), as well as a shot of two Geishas I happened to see the next day.

Setsubun

In February (ironically, the same day as Groundhog Day), there is a festival here called Setsubun to say goodbye to the demons of winter and prepare for spring. "Setsubun" literally means "dividing the seasons." There are a few traditions involved, and I was lucky enough to have finally made a few Japanese friends who invited me to various events that weekend.

First, they go to a temple and pray for a healthy spring. They throw roasted soy beans at the ground from the front door of their houses, and again later at the temple, shouting "demons out, good fortune in!" (in Japanese of course). Sometimes, people wear demon masks and others throw beans at them. Naomi, a student at my old school invited me to come with her and her son, Kouhei (who is currently my youngest student) to the temple. We had a great time, even though it snowed a little on us.

Another thing you do is eat the same number of dried soy beans as our age plus one. The way they see it, on New Years, everyone becomes one year older. It is consistent with the traditional group mentality of Japan. Individuality is somewhat traditionally frowned upon. So birthdays aren't a huge deal here, except at particular coming-of-age years. They are usually only small nuclear family dinners to celebrate privately. Instead of personal birthdays, everyone conceptually gets older at the same time on Jan. 1st!

So Satoshi (also an ex-student) and his wife Akiko invited me over to their house to eat soy beans and what I like to call "sushirritos" (that's my name for it...not theirs). They are basically sushi rolls that haven't been cut up, so they look like burritos. Each year, you are supposed to face one particular direction and eat the sushirrito in one sitting without speaking or moving. This year is Year of the Rat, so we faced SSW, the direction that supports the Rat. We had a great night talking about music (something I've been missing in my life lately) and eating "nabe," a Japanese stew.

I'm really grateful that I've finally started connecting with Japanese people, getting invited into their homes and to festivals with them. I finally feel respected and accepted. To see the rest of my Setsubn photos, click here.

Mindset & Plans

I've been thinking about the upcoming transitions in my life, and I recently sent this in an email to a friend:

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I know what you mean about visiting temples. I was so charmed by them at first. Actually, even more so by the Shinto shrines. I feel a deeper connection to them than to the Buddhist temples here. But there are about 300-400 temples and shrines in just Kyoto, let alone the other 11 cities and towns I've visited! I'm starting to feel a little burnt out on them. I don't even look at them when I ride by them anymore on my way to lessons. It's taking more and more to impress me! And of course, my time here is coming to an end in 4 months. But in three weeks, my mom is coming with my aunt; one week later, Randy is coming back for 10 days; and then three weeks after that, Matthew Mommer is coming for a week. Needless to say, I'll be seeing plenty more temples and shrines over the next two months... some of them for the second or third time.

I don't know if I'll be back in this part of the world without a limited time, and I finally got 80% of my back pay from last September, October, and November (at last!!), so I'm planning a whirlwind tour, much like I did in Europe. I like to call it my Asian "sampler platter:"

4 days in Shanghai, China
1/2-day layover on Brunei
5 days in Bali, Indonesia
3 days in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
3-4 days in Cambodia
4-5 days in Viet Nam

Then I was planning on doing Level 1 & 2 at a Thai massage school in Chiang Mai, followed by the weekend class on adapting Thai massage for the table.

Then Randy comes for 15-17 days, so we will take a cooking class in Chiang Mai, go to the full moon party and go scuba diving on Ko Pha Ngang, rest a couple days in Phuket, visit Angkor Wat in Cambodia together, and then stop in Bangkok for a couple days before flying out.

Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it. I didn't even mention the trips I'm taking to South Korea for two days to get my visa renewed in April and then to Virginia Beach for my sister's wedding in June (returning here just in time to pack up for a week and get off to SE Asia).

Plus, when I get back to L.A., I have about 8 days before heading up to Oregon to Randy's best friend's wedding. And the weekend after that, I'm hoping/planning to go to Grief and Growing in some capacity, even though it's my birthday weekend. I think it would be great and grounding to go somewhere healing and familiar to me. It's somewhat upsetting though, that it would be the third year in a row Randy and I won't be together for my birthday.

Honestly, I know this is a lot of moving around, but I am ready for a change. This (Japan) has been good for me (of course!), but after finally having adjusted and setting things up, I'm also feeling ready to either sink into it long-term, which isn't what I want now, or to ironically move on to something different.

Another level to it is that will be the 2nd-longest period of time I've ever gone without working since I was 12 years old. I'm a little nervous about no income. I'm saving up now for it all, but I'm also going to have to rely on credit for a little of it. And I have no solid game plan for when I return (where to live? job?).
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SO much is up in the air and exciting on the horizon. The next 6 months of my life are going to be rewarding in phenomenal ways, followed by a long-awaited and well-deserved reunion with Randy. It will be so good to sit still with someone I love by then.

Rerax, rerax...

The service in Japan is amazing. I went in for my stomach camera procedure. Because they didn't speak English very well, they were completely prepared for me. I was ushered from one room to the next, drinking liquids to prepare, taking different forms of numbing agents. In each room, taped to the tables, there were notes for each nurse with the English translation beneath the Japanese. They just showed me the note in each room to explain what I needed to do! They had prepared this hours in advance. Amazing. And all through the gagging of the procedure itself, the nurse kept rubbing my shoulders, saying "Rerax, rerax..." (relax) There was none of the "professional distance" Western doctors and nurses keep. The doctor talked to me like a human being and was extremely sympathetic.

It turns out that I have a completely healthy stomach, and the doctor doesn't know what is wrong. It's possibly just stress, but I have a feeling it's a little more than that. The next step would be an MRI or colonoscopy. However, I found out that my (non-Japanese) insurance company won't cover any of this, including the stomach scope. Since I just signed up with them in December, they assume that whatever is wrong is a pre-existing condition. They don't cover diagnostics until they get a solid diagnosis, so it's all out-of-pocket. Granted, it's still a hell of a lot cheaper here. The camera procedure only cost me about $180. The full blood panel they did (also showing me perfectly healthy) cost me $30 and was done in a few hours.

Any time an American doctor needs days to get blood work back, it's all a scam. They could easily do it faster for cheaper. I have proof. I've experienced it.

For now, I'm not going to take any further steps. I'm just going to wait a little longer and do my best to "rerax" about it.

Te... To... Ni... Ko... Ku...

You know that eye chart with the giant "E" at the top and then "F P" in the next row, "T O Z" in the next row, etc., where the letters get smaller as you go down? Well of course it makes sense, but I never would have thought about it until today: the Japanese chart is different! They don't have Western letters. Instead, they use Japanese characters that correspond to the sounds I put in the title of this posting. (I looked for a photo of one online I could post here, but I couldn't find it... only ones in Russian, Greek, and Chinese.)

I recently got something in my eye while riding the scooter. Since I've had my cold and been blowing my nose for a few days now, I must have rubbed that eye with a contaminated hand because I woke up today with "pink eye" in that eye. I went back to the doctor, but they referred me to an ophthalmologist because they "don't do eyes" at the regular doctor.

Anyway, I was ushered around the eye doctor's office from one waiting room to the next, and in one room, they do the eye air puff test and eye chart test all in the same room where everyone is waiting to see the doctor. I must have stared at that chart like it was the second coming of Christ, I was so transfixed...

It was mid-day, so it was me and a whole bunch of retired Japanese people. I did my regular fumbling through Japanese, listening for words I know when they talk to me, pantomiming my problems (me riding my scooter, something in my eye, catching a cold, rubbing my eye, waking up all crusty today). They gave me antibiotic drops and sent me home. The total visit without insurance, including the meds, was about $50. Not too shabby.

I just have to say that it's all a trip! These are the things we don't think about at home. And they don't think about them here either. They are just as surprised as I am when I've never seen a Japanese eye chart before! It's all they've ever known.

Another bit of good news: I came home to something in my mail box, that if I'm reading it correctly, looks like I'm getting some of my back pay in a few days!

Part of me thinks it's sad I should get so excited over a mere percentage of what is truly owed to me for the work I did 6 months ago. But another part of me knows that this exercise makes me appreciate every yen I get, no matter how delayed, so...

Whoo Hoo!