Letter to Laura

I haven't been here in a while. After my mom's visit, then Randy's visit, then a trip to South Korea, and then my good friend Matthew's visit, it hit me that I only had about 6 weeks left here, and I had a lot left to do and see! I also had to start the process of informing my students and making the usual moving arrangements, in addition to preparing to go to SE Asia (Malaria pills or Typhoid shots, anyone?).

Recently, my friend, Laura sent me an e-mail asking how I was doing, which provoked the unleashing of the chaos in my head and heart. I'm attaching the letter I wrote back to her. It's not a short writing, so don't read if you aren't really interested. Below you will find how I'm feeling about leaving Japan, my relationship with Randy, and my upcoming & future plans...


Sent May 23rd, 2008:

Goodbyes. I find it ironic that I finally built my bodywork practice in San Francisco to be fully booked, just a couple months before leaving, and then I walked away from a successful, self-supporting practice. I had to tell each of my clients that I was "abandoning" them (can you read into my guilt there?) and didn't know if I was coming back. There were tears and disappointment, swirled in with the hope and excitement of new horizons. It was also time for some of my clients to break free from what I could do for them to move on to the next person. Sometimes, we need that change to help shift our healing or growth... for the practitioner as well as the client!

Well, I thought I was heading out for more secure pastures, working for a big company here. it turned out that they misled us as to when and how much we'd be getting paid at the beginning. It put a major damper on exploring a new country and culture. As soon as I recovered from the initial "catch-up," they stopped paying us and then went bankrupt. After that, it took me a long time to build up my own business of private English lessons. But I did it...

...this week!

Just as I'm ready to leave, my business is finally booming, and I find myself telling a new set of clients (students) that I'm leaving them, probably not coming back. Many of my students are from advertising, but some are leftover from my old company. After the company folded, some of them had to make hard decisions about who to study with, and the ones who chose me are now feeling deceived and disappointed. Here I am again, telling people goodbye, that they only have a few weeks left with me. Again with the tears. Again with the guilt. Again, I am torn between leaving a place I love and the place I have finally built for myself, going off in a new direction to who-knows-what.

At least with leaving San Francisco, I needed a break and was ready for a change. I don't feel done here, especially with Aikido, but also learning Japanese...and of course I just met some really cool, spiritual Japanese people (last week!) who speak English and are inviting me to events, etc... This place has been a giant leap in personal development and growth and tested my inner strength and ability to lean on others when my strength isn't enough... and still I know that it's time for me to go. It's time for me to be with Randy. It's time for me to move forward with building my life. Here it feels like just "being," which is great, but with every drawing back, there needs to be the wave crashing forward to keep the ebb and flow of life moving smoothly.

And all of this emotional cloudiness is serving to distract me from the true issue at hand: what do I want my life to look like once I get back to it? I'm not even sure if I want to be a bodyworker any more. It is one of the most rewarding jobs I've had, but it also takes a lot out of me sometimes. It's not something I can easily do if I'm sick or emotionally distracted. On the other hand, it makes me feel at peace and like I'm contributing something to the world that I can be proud of. I find that I also love teaching. It has immediate rewards, as I love watching the light bulb go off above someone's head and the joy in their eyes when they "get it." But I'm tired of building my own practice and yet want the flexibility that come with it.

Another part of me wonders if I shouldn't enter into some sort of seminary study to focus on my spiritual self and the guidance I could offer others. That seems like the most difficult option, but also rewarding and in alignment with who I want to be in the world.

And then there's the "where do we live" question. Honestly, L.A. doesn't feel like a fit, it feels like a vacation. It's difficult for me to imagine settling down there. It's where Randy is, so that makes it extremely appealing. I know I could do it, and I could enjoy it too, but I don't think it would be true to myself if I stayed there for too long. San Francisco also feels a little off right now. Like coming back to a life that I haven't had a big enough break from. I truly miss my friends there and the feeling of familiarity and comfort of the first "home" I've ever had in my life. At the same time, I feel like I need more growth, which has historically been difficult for me in familiar territory, without withdrawing from my surroundings.

Either way, my desires are to be somewhere else (NYC? Italy? Hawaii?), and so do I really put the effort into starting up another practice, knowing that it may be temporary and have to go through the goodbyes and disappointment and guilt all over again, knowing that in the meantime, it gives me flexibility and freedom? Or do I work for some company (who I don't have to build up and won't feel bad for leaving) that provides me with the "security" of a paycheck and paid vacation time and health insurance but places strict demands on my time?

Any of your input would be greatly appreciated...

Actually, I think that I'm going to turn this email into a blog entry, now that I realize how much I've been holding back on. I apologize for unleashing it on you! I guess I miss our time together as well. It was really helpful for me as well...I always appreciated your perspective.

All of that was in response to just your first paragraph! On to the rest...

Thank you for your input on my blog entries. It know it's a little stiffer than I would like it to be but my audience is all over the board too, so some of me isn't quite relaxed, knowing various people from various parts of my life will be reading it.

On another note, I'm really proud of you for taking this move as an opportunity to reevaluate what you want to do (how "Spencer" of you!). Most people never stop to consider their options or even to check in to see if they are happy with the status quo. Too many people go through the motions of life, later wondering what happened to them. Don't let life happen to you. Make it what you want it to be... even if that's to continue in the same profession and not making a change... just do it out of choice and not inertia.

There are plenty of jobs out there that would utilize your unique combination of skills, and I encourage you to seek your options out. Think outside the cubicle!

I'm glad that you and Yasser are doing well. Relationships require desire and effort and communication, and I honor you for being in touch with all three.

Randy and I are doing well. We are both struggling more with the distance over such a long period of time, but we are also both happy to see the light at the end of that tunnel. We have spent the last year plus dealing with the fundamentals of how we approach life and decisions and relationships, as well as discovering and communicating what we need and want from a partner. We have challenged our own senses of patience, compassion, and understanding. We have also grown and developed at the same time as learning about one another, which makes for slippery definitions of one another and difficult shifting images of who the other one is. These things will become less hazy (though hopefully not less potential for growth and development) as we are in each other's physical presence.

At this point, my plan is to return to L.A. to live in Randy's place while we prepare for the next step together. He insists that it is "our" place and not "his," showing great amounts of caring and effort in doing so. He is trying hard to include me in things like buying furniture and renovating a bathroom, which is really sweet and shows how much he wants me to be a part of it. At the end of the day, I still feel like I'm moving in to a place I've never lived, while he has been there for over two years. He renovated it with the input of his ex-boyfriend, and they lived there together. I feel somewhat haunted by the fact that they moved in there together. I guess at the bottom of it isn't whether or not it's his or theirs. I want to build our life together, and I know that in any life there is always a remnant of the past with us. It's his past that made him into the person I love. At the same time I want to find someplace together that's "ours." I didn't pick this place out. I didn't renovate it. I didn't choose the paint color or furniture (although he included me in recent decisions about stuff like this...I still wasn't there for it). For that matter, I didn't choose this city or neighborhood. And I'm not saying I don't like these things! They just weren't my choice. I'm saying that I'm going there because it's where he is. And that makes it the closest thing to "home" I'm going to have while dealing with the shock and adjustment of re-entry to the U.S. I am grateful for my "landing pad" and look forward to figuring out our future together.

To answer your question, he is open to moving up to S.F., splitting our time between the two cities, or eventually a myriad of places in the future, and so we will sort some of these things out in the coming weeks before I leave Japan.

Then, I'm off to see some other parts of Asia for about 7 weeks, sharing the last two weeks of it with Randy, returning to the States at the very end of August.

In a nutshell, I am sad to be leaving here, have anxiety about what my future looks like, and am ready for the sigh of homecoming.

Thank you for your hug. I needed it...

Love,
-Spencer