under construction

By that, I mean me, not the blog. I've been away from here for so long. A lot has happened and continues to happen.

My friend Isa came to visit for a few days, and it was good to see her. Randy's roommate and my friend, Shoichi, came to visit for a couple weeks during my birthday. We went to Tokyo Disneyland and Disney Sea. We went out dancing for my birthday.

Then things got sticky.

I have not responded to any birthday messages. I have felt very isolated and continued to add to it by not reaching out. I began to sink into a depression and state of anxiety. My future both here in Japan and what I would come home to do are both up in the air. I stopped going to Japanese classes 2 months ago. I've been here almost 9 months and due to scheduling issues with work, I haven't even started aikido yet, which really got me down. Here's what happened:

My work paid me a few days late. Then they paid other instructors a few weeks late. Then they stopped paying rent on some of their branches, including mine. Some people got evicted from their apartments because they were leased by the company. Luckily I moved out of company housing and got my own place last April.

Then my bike broke down, my computer is in the shop, and the root canal I got in August needs to be redone, probably with a whole new crown. So many expenses in a time of uncertainty.

Anyway, every day I hear new information, and most of it is stressful, like talks of bankruptcy for the company. Lay offs. Branch closures. Work visa renewals denied. I've had panic attacks, restless nights of nighmares, and have had trouble eating and focusing. I've even flaked out by completely forgetting about appointments I had, which isn't like me at all. The students, my coworkers, and most people around me are balls of stress and worry, so I'm swimming in it.

The main thing I'm concerned about is getting my work visa renewed before the end of January.

I started looking for other jobs, but so many other teachers have quit that they're flooding the market right now. Then I realized that I would make more money for less hours by going out on my own and just teaching private students. If our branch closes, there will be a lot of students who need teachers. How ethical is it to hand out business cards while at a job? I've always steered clear of this, even when working at spas and having the clients ask for it. I've maintained my integrity. But then this company hasn't maintained theirs with me. How ethical is it if the company isn't even paying me anyway?

So tomorrow I'm going down to the unemployment office to file my first "late payment" complaint. After two late payments from my company, I am eligible for unemployment checks as long as I show I'm looking for work.

I will see on Monday (which is payday) if I get that second late one in a row or if I stay with the company. WIll I stay with them even if they don't pay me? Perhaps, if it means getting my visa renewed. Then I will definitely feel ok handing out cards.

SO here's what I want to happen. Please add your energy and powers of manifestation to this for me: I get paid on time this month (next Monday), but the branch closes at the end of the month. I hand out cards, knowing they are closing, and I get a lot of new private students. I can easily afford a new scooter to get around here much more easily, including to my private student appointments and job and aikido. The company transfers me to another branch convenient to my house. The schedule they give me there is the same as the one I was going to start in November, which was going to allow me to start aikido. I work there just until they renew my visa. Then I break out on my own and make more money than ever before here, working less hours, and doing what I intended on doing here all along: paying off debt; traveling within Japan and next summer to Thailand/Vietnam; learning Japanese; and practicing AIKIDO!

Please say a little prayer or meditation for me, picturing it all going down smoothly.

I will be back here with photos and good news, okay?

okay?

until then...