Forceful Harmony
It's no mistake that the Chinese word for "harmony" and for "Japan" are both pronounced "wa." Disturbing the peace here is an unspoken no-no. I have seen many mothers doing their best to hush up their kids in public without actually telling them to do so. Explicitly telling them is considered to disturb the peace as well. I've never seen "going with the flow" practiced as such an art form until I came here.
I've been given many theories as to why this is:
1) If you stood out in old times, you ended up dead. If you made a ruckus, you were a "trouble-maker" and would be targeted by the emperor's men or samurai or whoever happened to be in control at the time.
2) "A unified Japan is a strong Japan," so each person must do what it takes to ensure the strength of the nation by maintaining the unity.
3) Unless you were the emperor, there was always someone around who was more important than you. By doing anything that brought attention to you, it was saying that your existence was paramount and worthy of focus.
Regardless of the reasons, causing a scene or doing anything that brings attention to yourself is so frowned upon, it feels almost illegal.
My most recent experience with this is that I have two ladies who have taken lessons together for years. One of them advanced faster than the other, so she approached me about taking private lessons on the side, claiming she wanted more practice. She didn't tell the other student and slowly began canceling from time to time on their joint lessons. The other student called me tonight to tell me that she wants to take private lessons, so that she can have time to focus on special topics of interest to her.
They both want to be apart, but neither wants to disturb the other by having a discussion about that. So they are continuing to go through the motions of group lessons, even though they are each "secretly" having private lessons with me on the side and are each dissatisfied with the group lessons.
So now it's up to me to end the awkward, tense lessons with them together. They won't do it. And it occurs to me that I can't end them by talking about the real reasons. That would make them both REALLY uncomfortable and a little resentful toward me. I will have to make some excuse for us to stop meeting on that day at that time, and even though it won't be the truth, it will be perfectly acceptable. In fact, it will be preferable to the truth. They will each know it isn't the truth, but then they can just fade off into private lessons without ever discussing it or seeing each other again.
The twisted part of this is that the more gentle and vaguely elaborate my reasoning is for ending the group lessons, the more respect I will gain from each of them for my skills in this arena.
Wish me luck!
I've been given many theories as to why this is:
1) If you stood out in old times, you ended up dead. If you made a ruckus, you were a "trouble-maker" and would be targeted by the emperor's men or samurai or whoever happened to be in control at the time.
2) "A unified Japan is a strong Japan," so each person must do what it takes to ensure the strength of the nation by maintaining the unity.
3) Unless you were the emperor, there was always someone around who was more important than you. By doing anything that brought attention to you, it was saying that your existence was paramount and worthy of focus.
Regardless of the reasons, causing a scene or doing anything that brings attention to yourself is so frowned upon, it feels almost illegal.
My most recent experience with this is that I have two ladies who have taken lessons together for years. One of them advanced faster than the other, so she approached me about taking private lessons on the side, claiming she wanted more practice. She didn't tell the other student and slowly began canceling from time to time on their joint lessons. The other student called me tonight to tell me that she wants to take private lessons, so that she can have time to focus on special topics of interest to her.
They both want to be apart, but neither wants to disturb the other by having a discussion about that. So they are continuing to go through the motions of group lessons, even though they are each "secretly" having private lessons with me on the side and are each dissatisfied with the group lessons.
So now it's up to me to end the awkward, tense lessons with them together. They won't do it. And it occurs to me that I can't end them by talking about the real reasons. That would make them both REALLY uncomfortable and a little resentful toward me. I will have to make some excuse for us to stop meeting on that day at that time, and even though it won't be the truth, it will be perfectly acceptable. In fact, it will be preferable to the truth. They will each know it isn't the truth, but then they can just fade off into private lessons without ever discussing it or seeing each other again.
The twisted part of this is that the more gentle and vaguely elaborate my reasoning is for ending the group lessons, the more respect I will gain from each of them for my skills in this arena.
Wish me luck!
posted by Spencer Douglas at
9:50 PM
1 Comments:
Honne and tatemae are two faces of a part of Japanese culture that expats have to grapple.
Honne 本音/ ほんね : n 1）real intention 2）motive P
Tatemae 建前 / たてまえ : n 1）face 2）official stance 3）public position or attitude (as opposed to private thoughts) P
It gets even weirder when one realizes that honne does not necessarily mean the truth and tatemae does not necessarily mean a lie. Try not to sweat it too much but make damn sure that when negotiating a contract or some other "action item" that what you are getting is a real promise NOT tatemae!
FYI,
e.
PS Definitions above from http://www.popjisyo.com
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