now for an extended commercial break...

After tears from students, dealing with lost luggage from my sister's wedding, and running around like crazy, I'm taking off. I'm finally leaving Japan, and I'm heading into Shanghai, Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia), Bali, Vietnam, Cambodia, for 3-4 days each before staying in Thailand for about 4 weeks.

I'm looking forward to it, but I'm so exhausted right now that all I can think about is bed!

I won't have internet access on a regular basis for some time, so I probably won't be back here for awhile, but when I return to the States in September, I'll start back logging my adventures.

I wish you peace, love, and wellness until my return.

Love,
-Spencer

Role Reversal

One of my students is a 9-year-old boy. I've been going to his house almost every Friday evening since last December. He is usually a little tired out by his school week and all the homework and extra studies expected of Japanese students (of which English is one). He is restless and doesn't seem to be too happy to be in my lessons. I mean, he's 9 years old, loves baseball like it's the end-all, be-all and wants nothing more than to be outside playing or at least playing a baseball video game... not inside studying another language!

We use flashcards to learn vocabulary for things like food (talking about our favorites) or actions (talking about our abilities), and I do my best to keep him interested by playing various games with them or hiding them around the room. Sometimes I even shuffle them loudly and quickly or fling them at him when he gets them right to keep him alert. One lesson, he was especially drowsy and restless, so I spent the lesson teaching him baseball terms in English and running imaginary plays, having him be the sports announcer. But it always seems like a serious challenge to keep him present.

Like a good little Japanese boy, he is super polite and offers me the first tea and sweets his grandma serves us. He greets me at the door and then later walks me to the door, telling me "thank you. see you next week" as I put on my shoes to go.

When I showed up for my lesson with him tonight, he wasn't smiling like usual. He took me up to the study room upstairs and as he turned on the light, he said rather abruptly and strongly "America kaeru?!?" (are you going back to America?)

Apparently, his mother just found out from another student (yes, the grapevine is alive and well in Kyoto) that I am leaving here in about 5 weeks. So she told him last night.

I told him I was leaving in a few weeks, and his eyes dropped. We did the lesson, and in the middle, he asked me to show him how I shuffle cards. We spent some time on it, until he got better, and then his mom came home. He ran out, without a goodbye, peeking back inside for a quick "thanks."

She told me that he cried last night when she told him I was leaving. He apparently talks about me to his family and how I shuffle the cards like magic and how I study aikido and what foods I like and how I know about baseball... She said that through his tears, he asked her if they could prepare sushi for me for our last meeting, since I told him it was my favorite food during one of our lessons.

My heart felt so heavy and so light at the same time...

I had no idea he even liked me, let alone that he would be sad when I left!

I realized that just as people unknowingly make a lasting impression on me, I must do the same for others. I need to remember that every little thing we do is probably secretly scrutinized by someone and impressed upon others. It reminded me to be mindful of my actions and to feel proud that I make a difference, even when I'm not aware of it.

I feel honored to have been the student tonight, learning from the heart of a 9-year-old.

Preparation Vaccinations

After some research, I went to get my vaccinations. I looked at the info Randy's doctor gave me, as well as the guide books, and it turns out that in order to go to my combination of Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand, I would need:

• a Diptheria/Tetanus shot,
• a Hepatitis A series (1 shot, and then another one year later),
• a Hepatitis B series (1 shot, then another a month later, and then a third one 3 or 4 months after that),
• a Typhoid shot,
• a Japanese B Encephalitis series (3 shots, a week apart)
• a Polio booster shot,
• a Measles/Mumps/Rubella booster shot,
• and Malaria pills.

You only need the Measles/Mumps/Rubella shot once as an adult, and I had it in 1992 before college. You only need a Polio booster once as an adult, and I had that in 1999, before going to Europe and Morocco. So those are taken care of.

I had a Typhoid shot in 2001, before going to Turkey, but it only lasts 2-3 years, so I have to do it again. I also got the first Hep A shot and the first 2 Hep B shots, but I never finished the series because I lost my health insurance at the time. The doctor told me I probably still have some immunity built up, so I only need one of each to get me through this trip, but I should consider finishing the series up when I return. If you finish the A series, you're good for at least 20 years. If you finish the B series, you are probably good for life.

The hospital I was referred to is a Baptist Hospital all the way on the far side of Kyoto, up in the Eastern mountains. After two hours there, I was only give the Hep A in one arm and the Dip/Tet in the other arm, in addition to a prescription for the Malaria pills. The two shots cost me almost $100. They don't carry the other vaccinations on hand, so they sent me to the city hospital to ask about those.

I went to the city hospital, but I got there just at 5pm, and they were closing the outpatient services. I have to go back in the morning (even though he isn't there on Tuesdays) and do my patient intake forms for the pediatrician I need to see. Apparently in Japan, only pediatricians give vaccinations at public hospitals.

So then I went to get my prescription filled for the Malaria pills. You have to take one pill every week, starting a week before you go, continuing for 4 weeks after you get back home! I took them before in Morocco, so I know they make me sort of nauseous and give me mild diarrhea. But I'm going to be in lush, mountainous climates during the rainy season (especially in Northern Thailand), and historically, the mosquitoes love the Spencer juice! So I'm better nauseous than sorry...

Of course, they don't just have Malaria pills on hand at your local drug store, so my local place was plum out. They are seeking them out for me, calling around to other pharmacies, trying to locate them for me. Good thing I started this process early!

By the time I finished all of this, it was after 7pm, and so I missed my chance to go to Aikido, which is probably just fine, since the shots left me with sore arms and a dull headache.

So I went to a shrine I've always wanted to go to, tucked into the base of the Western mountains (opposite side of Kyoto from the hospital). It was closed. Many temples close at around 5:30 or 6, but shrines usually stay open. Unfortunately, this one closes at 6. I walked around the area, and realized how beautiful it was there. It's on the Katsura River, just about a mile South of Arashiyama.

The riverside, the mountains in the background, the wildflowers blooming, the kids playing in the green park, people gathering along the river to have a BBQ... I went back to the giant doors for the shrine, and watched as one person at a time would intermittently and silently come through the orange gate, walk up to the closed doors, and do their clap twice and pray routine. I'd never seen people do it facing a closed door before! There was about 5-10 minutes between visitors, and I sat on the steps leading up to the doors. Eventually, I figured I might as well follow suit, so I went to the doors, clapped twice, bowed, and then started to cry. I didn't even know why. I was lonely and scared, and frustrated and tired, and anticipating missing this place that I haven't finished exploring yet. I wish I had another year here, but with Randy here with me. These places and moments of peace aren't something he and I really got to experience much of together.

So I stood there with my eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, praying for "smoothness." Smoothness in the upcoming transitions. In my goodbyes to people here. In my personal goodbye to Japan. In my travels through SE Asia. In my return to my babe. In our adjustment to living together. In the upcoming life decisions. All I want is the peace and harmony I could feel in that spot, not even inside the shrine, but at it's doors, surrounded by nature as the sun began to set. I want that feeling to continue...

What I got in that doorway was an injection of what I needed most. I hope it builds up antibodies and strengthens me in the upcoming months.

Letter to Laura

I haven't been here in a while. After my mom's visit, then Randy's visit, then a trip to South Korea, and then my good friend Matthew's visit, it hit me that I only had about 6 weeks left here, and I had a lot left to do and see! I also had to start the process of informing my students and making the usual moving arrangements, in addition to preparing to go to SE Asia (Malaria pills or Typhoid shots, anyone?).

Recently, my friend, Laura sent me an e-mail asking how I was doing, which provoked the unleashing of the chaos in my head and heart. I'm attaching the letter I wrote back to her. It's not a short writing, so don't read if you aren't really interested. Below you will find how I'm feeling about leaving Japan, my relationship with Randy, and my upcoming & future plans...


Sent May 23rd, 2008:

Goodbyes. I find it ironic that I finally built my bodywork practice in San Francisco to be fully booked, just a couple months before leaving, and then I walked away from a successful, self-supporting practice. I had to tell each of my clients that I was "abandoning" them (can you read into my guilt there?) and didn't know if I was coming back. There were tears and disappointment, swirled in with the hope and excitement of new horizons. It was also time for some of my clients to break free from what I could do for them to move on to the next person. Sometimes, we need that change to help shift our healing or growth... for the practitioner as well as the client!

Well, I thought I was heading out for more secure pastures, working for a big company here. it turned out that they misled us as to when and how much we'd be getting paid at the beginning. It put a major damper on exploring a new country and culture. As soon as I recovered from the initial "catch-up," they stopped paying us and then went bankrupt. After that, it took me a long time to build up my own business of private English lessons. But I did it...

...this week!

Just as I'm ready to leave, my business is finally booming, and I find myself telling a new set of clients (students) that I'm leaving them, probably not coming back. Many of my students are from advertising, but some are leftover from my old company. After the company folded, some of them had to make hard decisions about who to study with, and the ones who chose me are now feeling deceived and disappointed. Here I am again, telling people goodbye, that they only have a few weeks left with me. Again with the tears. Again with the guilt. Again, I am torn between leaving a place I love and the place I have finally built for myself, going off in a new direction to who-knows-what.

At least with leaving San Francisco, I needed a break and was ready for a change. I don't feel done here, especially with Aikido, but also learning Japanese...and of course I just met some really cool, spiritual Japanese people (last week!) who speak English and are inviting me to events, etc... This place has been a giant leap in personal development and growth and tested my inner strength and ability to lean on others when my strength isn't enough... and still I know that it's time for me to go. It's time for me to be with Randy. It's time for me to move forward with building my life. Here it feels like just "being," which is great, but with every drawing back, there needs to be the wave crashing forward to keep the ebb and flow of life moving smoothly.

And all of this emotional cloudiness is serving to distract me from the true issue at hand: what do I want my life to look like once I get back to it? I'm not even sure if I want to be a bodyworker any more. It is one of the most rewarding jobs I've had, but it also takes a lot out of me sometimes. It's not something I can easily do if I'm sick or emotionally distracted. On the other hand, it makes me feel at peace and like I'm contributing something to the world that I can be proud of. I find that I also love teaching. It has immediate rewards, as I love watching the light bulb go off above someone's head and the joy in their eyes when they "get it." But I'm tired of building my own practice and yet want the flexibility that come with it.

Another part of me wonders if I shouldn't enter into some sort of seminary study to focus on my spiritual self and the guidance I could offer others. That seems like the most difficult option, but also rewarding and in alignment with who I want to be in the world.

And then there's the "where do we live" question. Honestly, L.A. doesn't feel like a fit, it feels like a vacation. It's difficult for me to imagine settling down there. It's where Randy is, so that makes it extremely appealing. I know I could do it, and I could enjoy it too, but I don't think it would be true to myself if I stayed there for too long. San Francisco also feels a little off right now. Like coming back to a life that I haven't had a big enough break from. I truly miss my friends there and the feeling of familiarity and comfort of the first "home" I've ever had in my life. At the same time, I feel like I need more growth, which has historically been difficult for me in familiar territory, without withdrawing from my surroundings.

Either way, my desires are to be somewhere else (NYC? Italy? Hawaii?), and so do I really put the effort into starting up another practice, knowing that it may be temporary and have to go through the goodbyes and disappointment and guilt all over again, knowing that in the meantime, it gives me flexibility and freedom? Or do I work for some company (who I don't have to build up and won't feel bad for leaving) that provides me with the "security" of a paycheck and paid vacation time and health insurance but places strict demands on my time?

Any of your input would be greatly appreciated...

Actually, I think that I'm going to turn this email into a blog entry, now that I realize how much I've been holding back on. I apologize for unleashing it on you! I guess I miss our time together as well. It was really helpful for me as well...I always appreciated your perspective.

All of that was in response to just your first paragraph! On to the rest...

Thank you for your input on my blog entries. It know it's a little stiffer than I would like it to be but my audience is all over the board too, so some of me isn't quite relaxed, knowing various people from various parts of my life will be reading it.

On another note, I'm really proud of you for taking this move as an opportunity to reevaluate what you want to do (how "Spencer" of you!). Most people never stop to consider their options or even to check in to see if they are happy with the status quo. Too many people go through the motions of life, later wondering what happened to them. Don't let life happen to you. Make it what you want it to be... even if that's to continue in the same profession and not making a change... just do it out of choice and not inertia.

There are plenty of jobs out there that would utilize your unique combination of skills, and I encourage you to seek your options out. Think outside the cubicle!

I'm glad that you and Yasser are doing well. Relationships require desire and effort and communication, and I honor you for being in touch with all three.

Randy and I are doing well. We are both struggling more with the distance over such a long period of time, but we are also both happy to see the light at the end of that tunnel. We have spent the last year plus dealing with the fundamentals of how we approach life and decisions and relationships, as well as discovering and communicating what we need and want from a partner. We have challenged our own senses of patience, compassion, and understanding. We have also grown and developed at the same time as learning about one another, which makes for slippery definitions of one another and difficult shifting images of who the other one is. These things will become less hazy (though hopefully not less potential for growth and development) as we are in each other's physical presence.

At this point, my plan is to return to L.A. to live in Randy's place while we prepare for the next step together. He insists that it is "our" place and not "his," showing great amounts of caring and effort in doing so. He is trying hard to include me in things like buying furniture and renovating a bathroom, which is really sweet and shows how much he wants me to be a part of it. At the end of the day, I still feel like I'm moving in to a place I've never lived, while he has been there for over two years. He renovated it with the input of his ex-boyfriend, and they lived there together. I feel somewhat haunted by the fact that they moved in there together. I guess at the bottom of it isn't whether or not it's his or theirs. I want to build our life together, and I know that in any life there is always a remnant of the past with us. It's his past that made him into the person I love. At the same time I want to find someplace together that's "ours." I didn't pick this place out. I didn't renovate it. I didn't choose the paint color or furniture (although he included me in recent decisions about stuff like this...I still wasn't there for it). For that matter, I didn't choose this city or neighborhood. And I'm not saying I don't like these things! They just weren't my choice. I'm saying that I'm going there because it's where he is. And that makes it the closest thing to "home" I'm going to have while dealing with the shock and adjustment of re-entry to the U.S. I am grateful for my "landing pad" and look forward to figuring out our future together.

To answer your question, he is open to moving up to S.F., splitting our time between the two cities, or eventually a myriad of places in the future, and so we will sort some of these things out in the coming weeks before I leave Japan.

Then, I'm off to see some other parts of Asia for about 7 weeks, sharing the last two weeks of it with Randy, returning to the States at the very end of August.

In a nutshell, I am sad to be leaving here, have anxiety about what my future looks like, and am ready for the sigh of homecoming.

Thank you for your hug. I needed it...

Love,
-Spencer

Mom's visit, part Seven

On our last day together, one of my sweetest and shyest students, Mikiko, came to meet up with us. She actually had taken the day off work and showed up in a kimono, just for the event! We walked through the Nishiki Food Market, where various ingredients and fresh fish are displayed and available for purchase or sampling. Afterward, we went shopping in the covered shopping arcade, and I took them shoe shopping at a store I'd been eyeing because of their uniquely Japanese brands. Spoiled guy that I am, I ended up with some new shoes out of it all! Even Mom and Jacque found some they liked at that shop, but of course, nothing was like the traditional ones Mikiko was wearing (the tiny wooden sandals and split-toe socks)!

All in all, it was a great visit. I'm so glad that they came and showed an interest in my home for the last year, bravely trying new foods, meeting many of my students, and even learning a few words in Japanese. Way to go...

Mom's visit, part Six

According to ancient beliefs, each side of the capital needed to be protected. There is a symbolic animal for each of the four directions who does that duty, and the creature for the East is a dragon. Mom and Jacque happened to be here on the day of the year when they celebrate the dragon at Kiyomizudera, a temple built into the mountainside. This temple was recently nominated to be one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was a long slow climb up to the temple, but it was worth it!

The festival began with energetic taiko drumming. Then, there were women dressed as spirits, coming to bless the mountain, the temple, and the people there. We pushed (and were pushed) our way to the front and actually were able to receive a blessing from them! After walking around the temple some more, we came to the front where the procession just so happened to be taking place. We actually had a great view of the dragon itself.

We left the temple and made our way to a live performance by actual geisha, who also presented us with some tea beforehand. This dance is called the Miyako Odori, and it heralds the coming of spring. There are five houses of geisha left in Kyoto, each giving a unique performance. We went to see the Miyako house's show. The performance was accompanied by traditional instruments and singing, but of course, we couldn't understand any of it! I thought the costumes and sets were beautiful, and so was the way the geisha moved, but it was about a hour long, and after 20 minutes or so, I'd had enough...

Once it was over, we left the performance and headed downtown to meet some other traveling foreigners and eat some really good fresh food at a buffet. At least everyone could eat as much as they like of things they actually liked rather than the tiny dishes we'd been getting everywhere else! It was another long day, but full of spectacular events...

Mom's visit, part Five

The next day, we met Yasuko and Hiroko, two more of my students, for a tour of the Imperial Palace in English. (please be patient with that page of photos...it may take some time to load fully.) For some reason, they allow foreigners to visit the palace year-round, but Japanese people are restricted to touring it on only two special days a year unless they are accompanying foreigners, so my students were thrilled. It was so pristine, and it was the same bright orange color as the Shinto shrines here. We found out that the orange color was thought to ward off bad energy and evil spirits. Many of the accents were capped with a white paint, and we were told that it somehow prevented termite infestations, since the buildings were all made of wood.

The palace also houses some of the most beautiful gardens I have seen in Japan. Grass is almost never seen here, but moss is abundant. While the West tends to think of moss as a sign of no progress, Japan reveres it, as it creates a feeling of stillness and peace. These gardens were used for poetry readings and meditation, so moss is perfect for setting the stage.

Once we were outside the palace walls, we went into the park surrounding the palace itself. Here, we found some of the most gorgeous, fully blooming cherry blossoms yet. They seemed to fill the space and your view, almost having an unreal effect, like living in a fantasy or on a movie set. Plus, it was the best weather we'd had yet. There were tons of people there just taking in the view and relaxing. Even a couple of cats got in on the action! Many people were taking pictures or even sketching and painting the trees too. Some couples were just lounging on the ground or benches. It truly was romantic.


We went to lunch with the students for yet another traditional spread. After having had a few jam-packed days in a row, we called it a day, as far as sightseeing went.