Emergence

Well, I did it. I went to a Japanese pot luck dinner party. I was really nervous, and the one person who really spoke English wasn't even there when I got there. She was still at work. So I listened a lot. I nodded a lot. I ate a few things, and something made me sick to my stomach. But like a good Japanese boy, I smiled and sat there like nothing was wrong.

Eventually, some of them were brave enough to talk in the little English they learned in High school and Junior high. There were about 20 people there, and 3 of them talked to me. After my stomach started feeling better (the host gave me these two black pill things that smelled nasty but worked like magic), I eventually had some of the wine I brought, loosened up a little, and spoke some really bad broken Japanese. They were very kind and forgiving of my efforts. We talked a little about movies. I made fun of myself and my bad Japanese. It inspired me to learn more. It reminded me that I don't ever want to stop learning languages.

There are three things that really make me happy when I'm feeling down:
1) Going Dancing.
2) Traveling.
3) Speaking in foreign languages with someone. Anyone.

These three things make me feel better about myself and my place in the world.

That being said, I went to the Tourist Information office today to pick up the visitor's guide for December/January for Randy's visit. It's extremely helpful in figuring out what to do, see, and buy when you're here.

When I got to the front desk of the office, they mistakenly asked me if I was there to sign up for the Japanese lessons. So I asked about them, and apparently, they are only 500 yen a lesson (plus the 380 yen it will take me to get to Kyoto Station and back). That's only about $7.50 a lesson! They will assign me a personal teacher for private lessons once a week, starting sometime in January. I wish I'd known about this earlier, but hey, whatever. At least I can take advantage of it now.

This was on my way back from my job interview, which was horrendous. They had me pretend that the three adults interviewing me were Japanese 4- and 5-year-olds and teach a sample lesson on the spot with no warning. I'm getting really tired of the "on the spot" thing that's happened at far too many Japanese interviews. They told me they will inform me if I got the job or not early this week. It's to teach for 3 and a half hours on Saturday mornings to preschoolers. I'll earn 20,000 yen a Saturday, which is REALLY good for that amount of time.

One last thing I was thinking about was riding my bike home in the cold tonight across the bridge with a beautiful view: I feel sad that I don't have Randy here to share this with. The party. the view. the daily bike rides. the new foods I'm given as gifts. the warmth of my students. And even when he's here, he won't get to see some of these things like the inside of this amazing house I was in for the dinner party tonight. Ironically, I came here alone because I planned on and asked to have this experience on my own. But that was before I'd met Randy. I guess some of these things are just for me to take in and remember on my own.

I think I'm just feeling lonely lately.

And as I listened to my iPod, I realized that there was something else I don't share: music. I don't have anyone in my life I can share my passion for it with. Movies are a passion, and I love the conversations I have with Randy and a few other friends about movies, directors, actors, upcoming projects. But I have nobody to do that with for music. I did it a lot in college, and then to some degree with Todd. But there's been nobody since then. It's been a long time. I haven't met anyone with a passion for it, for the history, and the evolutionary process of music's progression through time. I really feel alone in that world. I can find people to share the current pop music discussions with, but nobody who enjoys the depth of where today's music stems from. It makes me feel a little sad and makes me realize a part of myself that's going unnourished.

I'm thinking about these things because I'm starting to come out of my depression. I'm emerging from the cocoon. And with it (as usual, based on past experiences) come many realizations about what I need in life, what's gratefully fulfilling for me, what's no longer useful, what's inspirational, what feeds me, what's missing, what's excessive, and what my role is or what I want it to be in the world and people's lives around me.

This is a big deal here tonight. I know it's a lot to digest at once. I'm most definitely a hyper-dynamic guy on a crazy ride. It goes pretty hard and fast and doesn't seem to stop... only slow down every now and then. Sometimes it's all I can do to steer it! I'm looking forward to sharing some of the steering with Randy too.

Fasten your seat belts everyone. Here comes the next turn!

Please keep your arms, hands, and head inside the car at all times...