Timing and Torn between Desires
It's been challenging to sort out how long I'm going to be here, when I will return, and where to exactly. I wanted to study Aikido for at least a year, and I haven't even started yet. I wanted to study Thai massage in Chiang Mai at the end of my trip for a month and then relax in Thailand for a week or so right before returning to the States.
I was hoping to not return to the US during my time here, but my brother is getting married this fall, so I'm going back to South Dakota for that. And recently my sister announced her engagement, and the wedding was September 2008, so I was going to be back in time for Burning Man and then that. Then she had to change the date to the end of next June, which wasn't easy for me to deal with. I had finally resigned myself to cutting my time here short by a month and my massage training short by a week when I was told that the wedding date was moved up yet another week! Now I'm really feeling like it's affecting my experience here.
I really didn't want to come back until I felt done. All of this is over a year away, and it all feels so planned out...not what I had in mind when I decided to come to Japan a couple of years ago. I don't want to leave here regretting that I didn't accomplish what I came to do. I also don't want to regret missing out on important family events in the U.S. I tend to live without regret and really feel torn here.
My parents offered to fly me back for the wedding and then back again to Japan or Thailand, wherever I happened to be. That helps, but doesn't solve some of the timing issues like making sure I'm not in Thailand during monsoon season.
And the biggest and most challenging part of all of this for me is Randy. When I planned this years ago, he wasn't in the picture. I hadn't anticipated finding such an amazing partner just before coming here. And it can't be easy for him to be called a partner but not getting equal say in how these things play out. This is an individual journey that was embarked upon before I met him. I have to be true to my feelings for him. And I have to be true to this journey here at the same time. I know that changing my time here could lead to resentment toward him for years to come that I don't want either of us to have to experience. And I want to be with him as much as possible.
I always said I'd be here between one and two years. Now, I'm staying true to that, but it feels like I am hurting him to even consider being here until next August, making some extra money after Amber's wedding and then going to Thailand. He wants me to be back as soon as possible. And I would be lying to say I'm not eager embark on my next journey... my new life with him.
But one chapter at a time. I'm jumping ahead and not being present. Some of these decisions need to be made, and I'm feeling a crunch.
If you have any suggestions or input, I'd love to hear them...
I was hoping to not return to the US during my time here, but my brother is getting married this fall, so I'm going back to South Dakota for that. And recently my sister announced her engagement, and the wedding was September 2008, so I was going to be back in time for Burning Man and then that. Then she had to change the date to the end of next June, which wasn't easy for me to deal with. I had finally resigned myself to cutting my time here short by a month and my massage training short by a week when I was told that the wedding date was moved up yet another week! Now I'm really feeling like it's affecting my experience here.
I really didn't want to come back until I felt done. All of this is over a year away, and it all feels so planned out...not what I had in mind when I decided to come to Japan a couple of years ago. I don't want to leave here regretting that I didn't accomplish what I came to do. I also don't want to regret missing out on important family events in the U.S. I tend to live without regret and really feel torn here.
My parents offered to fly me back for the wedding and then back again to Japan or Thailand, wherever I happened to be. That helps, but doesn't solve some of the timing issues like making sure I'm not in Thailand during monsoon season.
And the biggest and most challenging part of all of this for me is Randy. When I planned this years ago, he wasn't in the picture. I hadn't anticipated finding such an amazing partner just before coming here. And it can't be easy for him to be called a partner but not getting equal say in how these things play out. This is an individual journey that was embarked upon before I met him. I have to be true to my feelings for him. And I have to be true to this journey here at the same time. I know that changing my time here could lead to resentment toward him for years to come that I don't want either of us to have to experience. And I want to be with him as much as possible.
I always said I'd be here between one and two years. Now, I'm staying true to that, but it feels like I am hurting him to even consider being here until next August, making some extra money after Amber's wedding and then going to Thailand. He wants me to be back as soon as possible. And I would be lying to say I'm not eager embark on my next journey... my new life with him.
But one chapter at a time. I'm jumping ahead and not being present. Some of these decisions need to be made, and I'm feeling a crunch.
If you have any suggestions or input, I'd love to hear them...
posted by Spencer Douglas at
1:30 PM
3 Comments:
Hmmmmmmmm!!!!! that is a lot to hold my friend.torn is right and staying true to past plans in light of new expanding developments is extremely challanging. The heart knows and one must bridge the gap between the heart and the mind. You know as well as I that being present under all of that pressure is like tip toeing on a razor blade. we know what fun that is. Faith. Trust. Honoring each others separte lives while still staying conected while being apart. Love has no bounds or limits. You can have it all and BE here too. All of the years of studying yourself and getting schooled by life. Now you get to practice all of those tools you have picked up along the way. The right way will present itself, sometimes right before you put your foot down. What a blessing to have so many loved ones and be a part of each of their lives and at the same time live your own amazing life. Well done my dear friend. Ahhhh tough life. Keep it up!!!! You will live regret free and make the right heart felt choices to be true to your soul and purpose. Thats all for now, thank god, talk about a rant. ;)
Spencer-
I think about the first day we met and where we are in are today and I am grateful you are in my life... WOW
You know I didn't spend 12 consecutive sessions on that wonderful table of yours learning about me, learning about you, because it "felt" good, dude that was a complete journey, do you remember?; you were a significant part of my healing and growth, you touched my body and soul... I know part of that important journey was for this moment. Spencer, we talked specifically about relationships. The importance of honoring boundaries. Following our dreams. Spirituality We know deep in our hearts that "true" love is unconditional and not based in fear. Ask yourself, "what fear youI have, if you were to honor your commitment to yourself in staying on course" This course that your family, new lover, friends and everyone close to you, knew you were embarking on AND supported you in that moment. Please do not mistake my directness for being self-centered or selfish, but I do believe that Randy will/should understand and continue to support and love you and be there for you... the weddings, well, hmmm... I think you are right to consider attending... it would disrupt your time-line a bit, but they are (hopefully) once in a lifetime moments, plus it would provide oppurtunity to see Randy again, and gain some mega miles at no expense to you... right? I really like the "resentment" process you mentioned, really a healthy pro/con approach. Dude I love you, don't make me get on a plane, fly over there slap you silly and fly back, I am just too tired right now for that. Stay true and tack your original course. By the way thought of you a week ago full-moon as I was walking the labyrnith on Maui, at Kapalua... I know, I know, you prefer drum circle at little beach, but hey dude, someone was at least thinkin' about you from paradise. miss you bunches. Thomas.
Spencer,
Like it or not, this journey is about you. It's about digging to the deepest part of yourself and trusting in the person you find there.
It sucks that everyone elses life doesn't go on hold while you improve your own, and its hell when you want so bad to be a part of everything. You are one person and you are on your own path. You've gotta follow it when it calls you.
My heart goes out to you while you make your decisions. Please listen to your "little" voice, it will not steer you wrong.
one last note. Randy loves you and wants you to go through this learning time, so he can build a future with you. Try not to feel 'for' him, he can do that all by himself. TRUST HIM to tell you where he's at emotionally and do the same with him. It will work out the way it is planned.
your friend always.
Dickie
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